Since Fox News always does a bit about the war on Christmas, I thought I'd give them not just an attack on Christmas, but PROVE that the much revered old elf Santa Claus is actually Satan himself. Us evil atheists, amirite!
1. The name
This is the most obvious part, Santa is surprisingly close to SATAN! Coincidence? I think not. And, I ask you, why is it that Santa, who lives in the North Pole, wears red fur, seeing as how most arctic animals have white fur? It's dyed with blood people!!!
2. Chimney Entrance
How is it that Santa enters our homes? (without being asked in, I might add) Through the fireplace. This is made even more suspect by the fact that Christmas occurs in winter, when surely a fire would be lit in olden times. He appears through flames!! Obviously only a feat that the dark lord could accomplish.
3. Elves
So all of Santa's helpers are elves, right? I say they are in fact minions, being forced to work night and day by the largest of the "elves", Santa himself. I suppose it's just a coincidence that the guy in charge just happens to be the largest among them, and doesn't rule by fear or intimidation... And while Santa can roam around every year, they are forced to stay in their arctic prison.
4. The Reindeer
A bunch of horned animals that magically fly without wings? Sounds like demons to me.
5. The Gifts
"But!", you may stammer, "Santa gives toys to good children! How is that evil?" Indoctrinating children to expect gifts in exchange for pleasing a benevolent being that watches at all times? A being that only appears on a religious icon's birthday, and draws valuable attention away from him? Whose very face is plastered all over everything this time of year. Sounds like graven image worship to me.
"Then why does he give coal to naughty children?" you insists, interrupting me once again. (You ass) First off, he doesn't need to sway the naughty children, their already damned and he knows it. He wants the good souls. Plus, being a child that is on the naughty list means you likely already have behavioral problems, so what does he give these little monsters? A black rock, that is only good for one thing. STARTING FIRES!!!
6. General Creepiness
If some creepy overweight guy wearing fur asked you to let your children sit in his lap and tell him all the things they want, then promised to sneak into their house, at night when everyone is asleep (he knows), and leave them all sorts of gifts, you'd call the damn police. Instead, we encourage this behavior, then pay for the privilege of taking a picture!! Often times, as this stranger is giving your child a piece of peppermint candy!!!
Believe what you may people, but I'm not fooled.
