I am struggling a lot with mental health...

[teo123]

So, recently, I wanted to go to yet another lecture on my university. However, as I was walking down the stairs from my apartment, my heart started beting like crazy. I walked up and told that to my mother. My mother measured my heart pulse and it was 147 beats per minute. My mother then decided to call an emergency medical service, and they diagnozed me that there is actually nothing wrong with my heart. We also recently tested my thyroid, so we knew it was not that either. I was therefore diagnozed with a panic attack. They gave me Diazepam injection so that I would fall asleep, however, apparently, it only worked for a short period of time. My mother and I then went to a hospital where they gave me Lorazepam (or whatever that drug is called). I reacted badly to it, with double vision... I barely got back to my apartment walking upstairs.
The next day, I was hospitalized. I was in hospital for 11 days. I told the psychiatrist that I have trouble believing jails exist, she told me she thinks I am mistaken to think jails should not exist. She thinks that there are many mentally healthy would-be-murderers who are deterred by the existence of prisons. At the hospital, they started giving me Maprazax and Risdonal, which I am still taking, and I am feeling relatively well with them. Of course, my mind still does not work as clearly as it did before that panic attack. I also have trouble getting erection and keeping it to masturbate. I used to do that every day, now I manage to masturbate only once a week or so. I hope it will get better, both my mind and my sexual ability.
A few days after I was released from the hospital, my mother got very ill, throwing up everything she ate. I talked her into going to a hospital. And it is a good thing I managed to, because she had ileus. That is a bowel disease that is deadly if left untreated. My father took care for me then, and he is still taking care for both of us now after my mother was released from the hospital.
I can barely concentrate enough to write this. I hope Maprazax and Risdonal will actually help me, because a life without a good brain is not worth living, in my opinion. If it turns out I will never get better, I think I will do suicide then. I am contemplating suicide even now, that I see how sick my mother and father are, because I guess that is what waits for me when I grow older.

[Red]

The next day, I was hospitalized. I was in hospital for 11 days. I told the psychiatrist that I have trouble believing jails exist, she told me she thinks I am mistaken to think jails should not exist. She thinks that there are many mentally healthy would-be-murderers who are deterred by the existence of prisons.

I hope you listened to what she says, Teo. She could be the key to figuring out any mental health issues.

At the hospital, they started giving me Maprazax and Risdonal, which I am still taking, and I am feeling relatively well with them. Of course, my mind still does not work as clearly as it did before that panic attack. I also have trouble getting erection and keeping it to masturbate. I used to do that every day, now I manage to masturbate only once a week or so. I hope it will get better, both my mind and my sexual ability.

Antidepressants and other mental health medicines tend to do that, it's normal.

A few days after I was released from the hospital, my mother got very ill, throwing up everything she ate. I talked her into going to a hospital. And it is a good thing I managed to, because she had ileus. That is a bowel disease that is deadly if left untreated. My father took care for me then, and he is still taking care for both of us now after my mother was released from the hospital.

I hope your mother gets better. It seems as though things are picking up a little, now that you know the problem and they're treating it.

I can barely concentrate enough to write this. I hope Maprazax and Risdonal will actually help me, because a life without a good brain is not worth living, in my opinion. If it turns out I will never get better, I think I will do suicide then. I am contemplating suicide even now, that I see how sick my mother and father are, because I guess that is what waits for me when I grow older.

I recommend you read this:
https://www.cracked.com/article_15658_t ... guide.html
I know we give you a lot of shit here Teo, but suicide is not the answer. We still believe you can change and become a rational person for the betterment of the world. If you are to end it now, you'd just be ending any chance of being able to make a positive impact on the world, and contribute to human knowledge.

If you do attempt suicide, you'll instantly regret it. Interestingly, when people jump off a building, survivors report saying they realized something as soon as they jump; Their problems CAN be fixed, or will pass sooner or later. Death is irreversible. You only got one life, and about 60-65 years left to go. That's six decades of dedicating life to academics, learning about the natural and social world, exploring the planet and this amazing civilization we've built, spending time with friends and those you love, contributing to positive social change, meeting all sorts of people, pursuing your dreams, enjoying hobbies, and just in general have fulfillment in your life. You have to weigh all that shit.

You can get better Teo, and live a great life. You have tons of time. But you need to get help. It seems as though you're making progress in that direction, which is a great sign. I wanted to end it all about a year and a half ago, but I now realize if I did I wouldn't have been able to do scientific research, study engineering and other fields, help out animals, support social causes and other issues, and have been able to at least attempt my lifelong dream of making it big on Youtube. Even if I'm nowhere near as good as a lot of other people, that doesn't mean I can't do great things with what I can do.

Don't give up!

[joji]

Hey I just want to jump in a say I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. Life can be tough, especially with added mental and physical complications. But please remember, these things come and go. They are temporary afflictions, and there is always a chance of recovery. Death is permanent. It comes eventually, so why expediate the process? Why reject the one fleeting chance at THIS that we have?

I say this with a heavy heart - I lost a very close friend to suicide almost a year ago to the day. It's crushing. The amount of people who miss him, the number of those affected has been enormous. I'm happy to hear you're seeking professional help, but remember the changes take a little bit of time to build up. Hold on. You deserve to be here, friend. Trust me.

[teo123]

I recommend you read this

Well, it is an interesting thought that, if there is an afterlife (which is improbable given what we know), suiciders will be judged because of the pain they cause to people who love them. As for this "Methods of suicide are usually ineffective." argument, I think this applies only to people who don't research suicide techniques properly before doing that.

If you are to end it now, you'd just be ending any chance of being able to make a positive impact on the world, and contribute to human knowledge.

Unfortunately, making a contribution to human knowledge means dealing with a lot of bullshit. Responding to arguments that are a lot less sensible than your argument is and never living up to see your scientific arguments getting accepted. Look at what happened to Semmelweis. Or see what is happening to my ideas, regardless of whether they are right. My arguments remain basically unaddressed, and it is very annoying.

They are temporary afflictions, and there is always a chance of recovery. Death is permanent. It comes eventually, so why expediate the process?

Well, maybe that is the right way to think about death. It seemed paradoxical to me until now that I am not supposed to be afraid of death yet that I shouldn't attempt suicide when I am struggling either. Still, do you think this COVID-19 craze is ever... ending? I mean, the data shows the number of deaths with confirmed COVID-19 these days is almost the same, and sometimes even exceeding, the number of deaths with confirmed COVID-19 this time last year. I can think of a few explanations, each of which are nightmarish:
a) (barely plausible) Vaccines are almost completely ineffective and the data showing that they were effective was fake.
b) (a lot more plausible) Governments are manipulating the data to make it look like the pandemic is a lot worse than it really is.
c) (I have no idea how to estimate the probability of this one, but my guess is that it is the least plausible explanation) The Delta variant is real. That is, some typo in the genetic code of the COVID-19 virus caused it to become a lot more contagious and a lot more deadly at the same time. Which means it can happen again and again and again... until we all die.
I see no reason for optimism here. I mean, I used to see it, but now, that I see the new data, I do not. I expected cases to be slightly lower than the last year and the deaths to be a lot lower. But... no, cases are the same and deaths are the same. In spite of more than 50% of adults being vaccinated. I am trying to stay optimistic, but I cannot.

BTW, do you think I should have insisted on staying vegan while I was at the hospital? I was satisfied with being a vegetarian there.

[teo123]

I am afraid non-pharmaceutical interventions against infectious diseases is becoming something like wars, just less damaging.
World War 1 was to be the war that ended all wars. It turned out to be a lot more damaging and a lot less effective (if not even counter-productive) at achieving what was intended. Yet governments continue to wage wars intended to inhibit wars (which is what most if not all wars are today), as if they are completely incapable of learning from their past mistakes.
Non-pharmaceutical interventons are intended to eliminate or at least slow down the spread of infectious diseases. As we have seen in the past two years, they accomplish little except shutting down small busineses who cannot afford to comply. They have little effect on how the little guy is behaving, which is what would be necessary to control the virus. Yet governments seem utterly incapable of learning from their own failures. They seem to be constantly cherry-picking the data that appears to support the idea that non-pharmaceutical interventions are effective, while ignoring the data showing it is not.
While there are indeed exceptions, such as Australia having strong lockdowns and low deaths from COVID-19, or Florida having little non-pharmaceutical interventions and having high number of people dying from COVID-19 compared to other US states, non-pharmaceutical interventions are generally associated with higher deaths from COVID-19, rather than lower. Peru had one of the strictest (if not the strictest) lockdowns in the world, yet it also had the highest number of deaths from COVID-19 in the world. This is especially visible in Europe. Scandianvian countries such as Sweden generally responded to pandemic by ignoring it, and they had the lowest excess mortality in 2020: Sweden had excess mortality of 1.5%, and other Scandinavian countries mostly had negative excess mortality. On the other hand, other European countries had significantly higher excess mortality (Croatia had 17% excess mortality, significantly higher than the US, which has 11% excess mortality), in spite of trying all kinds of non-pharmaceutical interventions. Also, with the exception of Italy (where it may very well be a coincidence) and Israel (but apparently only the first mask mandate there, strongly suggesting it is a coincidence - the third mask mandate was followed by an obvious speed-up of the pandemic), mask mandates were not followed by an obvious slowing-down of the pandemic. Yet, in the minds of most politicians, implementing non-pharmaceutical interventions is "following the science". When will they ever learn? Will they ever learn? Or will small businesses outside of the black market become a thing of the past and we will be under house arrests called lockdowns every now and then?

[Jebus]

@teo123 You never cared one bit about the people on the other side of your posts. I actually havent seen any indication that you care about anything or anyone other than yourself. Could you please link me to any of your posts where you show compassion to any human or animal.

I am 99.9% sure that your suicide talk is simply an attempt to get some attention on a dying (much thanks to you) forum.

It just makes zero sense to believe that someone who is scared of needles, would have the courage to do himself in.

On the other hand, I have no doubt that you are suffering from mental issuess, and I stronly urge you to seek help. However, please dont include anyone other than necessary in your drama.

I hope I'm not wrong and that you wont kill yourself, but if I am wrong please stop being an asshole for once in your life, and think about the consequences your death may have on those who care about you.

[teo123]

It just makes zero sense to believe that someone who is scared of needles, would have the courage to do himself in.

My friend, I don't know about you, but I think it takes courage to continue living in this mad world of house arrests and mandatory face covers. Who knows what is next? I mean, sure, once it will all end and people will (mostly falsely) claim they were against that all along but were afraid to speak up, but how long until that day comes? And who knows what will come before that day? Concentration camps do not seem inconceivable. It also does not seem inconceivable I will be put in one.

[Jebus]

Concentration camps do not seem inconceivable. It also does not seem inconceivable I will be put in one.

So concentration camps exist but not prisons. Please explain.

[teo123]

Concentration camps do not seem inconceivable. It also does not seem inconceivable I will be put in one.

So concentration camps exist but not prisons. Please explain.

I no longer think prisons don't exist.

[Jamie in Chile]

Hi Teo,

I hope you get better soon. Are you able to afford professional help to discuss negative thoughts?

I think Red´s comment is a good one, thanks Red for the helpful feedback.

There´s no reason to think you will end up like your parents!

Vegetarian in the hospital sounds like a good decision.

Things change. Don´t let the difficulties of the present make it hard to see the good things in your future.

Best of luck!